evaluating some things

i originally wanted to do a fun post about my dive into the early days of post-hardcore, but i immediately got life circumvented by college. it was initially fun, having things to do, working at the pace i desired. i worked too much for a while, but then too little, and eventually, not at all. everything became too much for me. i always swing like a pendulum from one side to the next without any warning whatsoever.

college was painful. i wouldn't say i dropped out, but i would say i reconsidered my education and decided to take the rest of the semester and summer off so i could ponder whether college was truly for me. from there, i decided i would switch to a technical college when fall arrives so that i can directly study the field i planned on going into in the first place, that being server and networking support and management.

from there, i needed to occupy myself in the meantime, so i ended up, as shameful as it sounds, started chatting with others on discord through server with similar interests. at some point, i started using my smartphone again.

however, it did remind me of one thing i forgot to remember as i tried to achieve the perfect life: it isn't necessarily the device itself and the mere usage of it that should be villainized. phones aren't inherently bad when used properly and mindfully. it's how you use those devices that determine whether you should reconsider your relationship with technology.

you can't punish yourself for being in a relationship as is. it's specifically the manner in which the relationship impacts you where you should think some things through.

i learned this along the way, and i started to stop seeing my phone as something shameful and more of a means to an end, as all devices should be. i still use my flip phone, of course, how could i not? in public, i don't bring my smartphone at all, because i prefer it that way. it's healthier for me to leave it at home, so it's only used when i'm specifically chatting with friends online.

my ipod got messed up, completely, from when i tried to replace its battery. the replacement was successful, but at the cost of some parts of the screen and the ability to hear audio out of one side.

as you can tell by the restructuring of the main website and this blog, i got back into coding. whether i'll return to the independent web or not is unsure, but i definitely want to return to where i started, without the uncertainty of inexperience.

i'm more experienced with css and html now, i've participated in some events with this knowledge, and even created my own ko-fi page to help others in the same place where i started off. i'm not ashamed of participating in communities, i just need to remember that they exist and they'll support me regardless of my extended absence.

i can't guarantee that i will return to any communities i was a part of in the past, but i can guarantee that i'll continue to withhold the values of supporting low-cost, independent, and open source software alongside other webmasters within the interwebs.

i thought about some things and they landed me here. they'll continue to land me places, some familiar, some terrifying, others uncertain. but at the end of the day, the only guarantee in life is uncertainty and it's up to us to ponder where we do from there.